It is an hour and a half past midnite, my flu is getting worse. My mood hit another low point half an hour ago. Shit, how did I become this weak? But thanks for Minoru Suzuki's NJPW theme song, Kaze ni Nare, I am back to my normal mood. Wait, let me change the song a bit, I dont want to have a nightmare about him.
Like I said last week, I channel my overflowing emotion to my stories. And not just angers. Sadness, pain, fears, lust, despairs. The funny thing is, I just realized that without all of those emotions, I am a shit writer. I just finished two of my new stories in this thirty minutes of depression, and I think both turned out quite decent.
So, I am thinking, what if depression is my superpower? Well that's kind of messed up don't you think? Maybe I am just using writing as some sort of anesthesia or something, to suppress my own darkness. Or maybe it just want me to acknowledge its existence. I don't know.
But the point is, maybe from now on, I have to embrace it. Wear it on my sleeves. Be proud of it. Use it as a fuel to achieve my foolish ambition, to be a writer.
Because, the only alternate point of view is, my brain already got so damaged that it needs to be beaten to be able to work.
Di atas kasur, di sebelah Jey.
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