That's my secret, Cap. I am always angry.

I think I am a man with an anger management issues. Not as bad as Hulk or Jessica Jones but, I think it’s hard for me not to get angry all the time. Well, what can I do? I live in a world full of idiots. Maybe that also a part of why I idolize Rahvana. He is, after all, the symbol of anger. He get angry at how the Gods mistreated his family, and furthermore at how they shamelessly go back at their own words.

I remember how in my last relationship I could get angry all the time. I am very rarely if ever rise my voice when I am talking with my girlfriend, but back then I did it almost once every a couple of weeks. The selfishness of my ex further pushed me to my limit. I remember I got so angry when she won’t listen to me to not going at an event, I already gave her logical reasons on why I don’t want her to go, yet she did, and the reason? “Ya kan kamu udah marah, terus ngambek terus ga ngehubungin seharian, jadi ya tak pikir udah gapapa.” Sampah ga?

I raised my voice at her, a lot. Should’ve known that it was a toxic relationship from the get go. All the sign was there, but I ignored it all. Hal paling sia sia di atas muka bumi ini adalah menasehati orang yang sedang jatuh cinta, bukan?

Fortunately I never even once in my life ever hit a girl. I am not a good guy, I am the baddest guy you could have the (un)fortune to meet, just ask my exes. But at the same time I still have a moral code, and not hiting a girl is on top of the list (unless she wanted it when we are having sex, haha).

But it’s hard, it was seriously hard, not to hit something when you are angry. That’s also my justification when someone ask me, “You’re a grown man, why do you still watch WWE?” Well, because mankind’s brain always have the need of violance in it, and I channeled it toward watching a violent soap opera (read:professional wrestling).

The inability to hit someone or something, paired with how shitty WWE nowadays, make me keep all that angers in me, I held it tight, worsen my depression back then. Then I found it, a way to channel all those angers, all those suppressed emotions I kept bottled inside. Writing. It breed a chain of story I like to called “inhumanly inhumane”. In there I could hit everything I want to hit. I could make someone as strong as I want, or as shitty as I want.

To quote Geoffrey Chaucer in Knight’s tale movie. “I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.”

4 hari telat dari jadwal deadline yang seharusnya.

Di markas rahasia, di depan kekasih.

[hashtag] Manusia Darurat Cinta

Senin pagi berhias jejak hujan. Musim begini, musimnya pemuda pemudi pada galau cari pasangan. Entah buat beberapa jam, sehari, semalem, seminggu, beberapa bulan, sampe hubungan permanen jangka panjang. Selalu seru rasanya mantengin socmed yang kebanjiran permintaan remaja tanggung single haus kasih sayang dengan segala macam rengekannya.

Berikut ini akan Jey sajikan beberapa status manusia darurat cinta (dan reaksi Jey) yang sempat seliweran di socmed buatan makhluk astral yang kurang kerjaan.

·         Mencari yang serius buat seumur hidup

Semua juga gitu kak. Bedanya, yang lain nggak ngumbar gituan di sosial media.

·         Mencari yang siap nikah, udah bosen pacaran

Begitu disuruh halalin eneng, alesannya jutaan. Cih ..

·         Kan kulingkarkan cincin putih di jari manismu sayang

Dikasi cincin akik aja eneng udah seneng, bang ..

·         Buat yang serius add [insert pin BBM, nomer whatsapp, ID line, instagram, FB, path]

Trust me kak, yang serius maunya langsung disamperin ke rumah, ngomong ke bapak ibunya kalo abang mau serius sama dia. Halalin eneng bang, buruan ..

·         Kuingin cinta sejati

Aku juga ingin kak, beli dimana ya? Lagi cari diskonan nih ..

·         Anti cewe, sombong go to hell

Bang, udah pindah haluan bang? Abang Jah haa aat *cry*

·         Dikasi kerjaan sok jual mahal, munafik, cih!

Bang, serem amat bang .. Abang penyalur TKI gelap apa germo kacangan, sih?

·         Cintai aku apa adanya

Tapi kata bang Tulus, “jangan cintai aku apa adanya jaaaaaaaaangaaaaaaaaan~”

·         Gak penting gadis atau janda, yang penting setia

Remix versi Jey : Gapenting gadis atau janda asal jangan duda

·         Liat liat dulu siapa tahu cocok

“Ya kak masuk dulu kak silakan kak dipilih kak~”

·         Apa adanya lebih indah

Ini antara si Babang udah mentok nyerah gabisa self-upgrade atau terlalu bokek buat beliin eneng gincu sama pingsil alis deh ..

·         Kamu ga akan tahu, aku bukan malaikat, juga bukan iblis

Iya, abang pasien poli psikiatri yang tadi pagi keluar kamar tanpa izin kan? Yuk yuk pulang sama eneng yuk~ *tuntun ke ambulan*

·         I like kiss

Kalo aku sukanya permen tolak-kamu kak *eh

·         Saya?

Bukan, itu yang mas mas cakep di belakangnya coba!

·         Ind***e garis keras!

Eneng sukanya ind***e keriting lembut bang gimana donk ..

·         Tak kenal maka tak sayang

Yaudah eneng gamau kenalan, takut disayang sama babang~

·         No word can describe me. I am unique!

Unique bukannya word ya bang?

·         Nothing is impossible

Abang pernah nyoba gendong badan abang sendiri belom?

Honestly, rasanya kayak jalan jalan naik bus antar kota terus ketemu bak truk yang dikasi gambar kata. Ngakak so hard in the morning sampe keselek satay doughnut :v

God, please acknowledge us. See that our love won’t be lonely.

I am not a religious person, I am in the other end of the spectrum. I am not an Atheist either. I am what people call a Deist. It's a belief that there is a God, but It won't meddle in our life. Imagine this, God is a script writer in a stage called the universe, in a play called the humanity. So, what would a script writer do when the play is on the progress? Nothing. Just sit back, and enjoy the show.

So anyway, I've been reading this webnovel for the past days. The title is called Praise the Orc. It's concept is silly, it tells a story about an ex military guy who dive into an online game to protect his sister from cyber bullying and cyber sexual harassment. 

Wait, I need to change the music, getting tired of listening The Second You Sleep by Saybia for half an hour on repeat.

The coolest thing about this series was how the author could write a sophisticated point of view from the eyes of orcs. Orcs, in case most of you doesn't know, is often portrayed as a savage green skinned barbarian tribe which only knows how to kill. But in this series, they paint it as a honorable warrior tribe, with their warriors' laws which akin to the medieval-esque chivalry code.

There was this character named Lennox, he was a mentor for a newbie orc who aspired of being a warrior. Before teaching the warriors' laws, he said, "God, please acknowledge me. See that our honor won’t be lonely." I wasn't paying much attention to it back then, but after 100+ chapters it was being recalled again. 

An orc shaman explain it to the main character, “I sacrificed my life to save the world. But nobody knows. If this was meaningless, how lonely would I be? So I desperately hoped. Someone is watching. That is why we walk through life with a sense of honor.” 

And it hit me, hard. How lonely I was last year? Thinking that life is so meaningless. Thinking that no matter what I do, I am still as useless as I could ever be. I forgot back then, that someone--no, an entity, which live in a higher dimension than us, is, was, and always be watching over us.

Like the orc shaman said, "He who we don’t understand or can’t understand. He who builds the world and supports the world. And he who always watch us. He who blows the wind along our back when we walk the road alone. This is our god... no, our pathetic belief."

Then by 29 December 2018, He pushed me, He pushed me down on your way, my lovely Jey. As if He said, "Look, all the crack, all the imperfection I made you, I did it so you could match her.. perfectly." And perfectly we do matched. If you are one of my innermost circle you would know that I describe Jey as "The girl whom God custom made just to perfectly *click* with me. Just for me. Like I do just for her."

So now that I am no longer lonely, I desperately hoped, "God, please acknowledge us. See that our love won’t be lonely."

Di sisi Jey, Hari dimana WWE Fastlane 2019 akan ditayangkan.

Di waktu dimana aku semakin mencintainya.

5 Random questions for Rei from Jey (part 1)

Kalo dihadapkan pada cuaca ekstrim, pilih panas atau hujan, kenapa?

-Depends, kalo cuma berkaitan pada cuaca tanpa mikirin dampak terhadap lainnya, aku lebih mending milih hujan, karena enak, dingin, mendukung buat cuddling. Tapi kalo hujannya bikin mati lampu dan bikin kita kegerahan kayak kapan hari ya mending panas, terus nyalain AC hahahaha.

Kalo hari ini kamu bisa kemana saja dan ngapain aja, kamu bakal kemana dan ngapain?

-WAKANDA!!!! NAMBANG VIBRANIUUMM!!!! /ditoyor Jey.

Umm.. Kalo sendirian maybe ke rumahnya Jey... main sama popo dan ownernya. /eh

Kalo sama si Jey dan lagi ada duit buat dibakar benernya pengen ke Kyoto sih, kulakan katana sekalian sowan ke kastil kastil jaman samurai-samurai dulu.

Lebih pilih punya sayap, atau punya sirip dan insang, kenapa?

- Sayap. Sebenernya lebih tertarik buat punya sirip dan insang, karena pengen njelajahin banyak hal yang belum pernah di jamah manusia di dasar samudra, tapi kalo mengingat dasar samudra banyak hewan yang bisa nelan saya hidup-hidup tanpa dikunyah jadi lebih memilih sayap, survivability-nya lebih tinggi. Bisa ngapel kapanpun yang aku mau juga ntar, hahahaha.

Kalo kamu bisa ketemu sama satu entitas mitologi dan bertanya sesuatu, kamu mau nanya apa ke siapa?

- Odin!!! Nanya, dapet kuda yang kakinya delapan darimana, aku juga mau soalnya.

Kalo kita bisa ketemu 10 tahun lebih awal, kamu mau ngajak aku ngapain?

- Kita bakal udah ke KUA, nikah, punya anak, dan pindah ke Jogja. Berhubung dimarahin sama sebelah disuruh jawab spesifik, err.. Mungkin bakal tak ajak ke pelaminan? /plak

Tak ajak buat ke Bima mungkin, sekalian napak tilas aku belum pernah balik ke kampung halaman ompu.

5 pertanyaan random dari Rei untuk Jey~ (part 1)

1. Kalau bisa di-reinkarnasi jadi hewan, mau pilih hewan apa? Kenapa? (Real animal, yes, so no dragon, I know how much we love dragons.)

- Okay then, padahal aslinya aku udah kepikiran mau jawab naga atau centaur (aku gatau ada centaur cewe apa enggak, but yea why not?) tapi karena harus real animal dengan berat hati aku memutuskan untuk jadi .. Badak Wakandaaa! enggak ding, boong. Aku milih Kuda Nil karena dia bukan kuda, tidak tinggal di sungai Nil, berwarna ungu kemerahan dan bergigi jarang dan gendut tapi jago renang dan dan dan dan aku mencintainyaaaa O_o!

2. If we were in a hotel room and you could order one thing from room service, would it be chocolate cake, strawberries, or warm honey? Why?

- enggak mau chocolate cake karena ujung ujungnya aku gabisa makan--yes, sayangnya aku alergi coklat dan itu gak keren. enggak mau warm honey karena aku gamau dimadu, karena aku kan udah manis donk emang masih kuraaang?! Jadi ya kayaknya dengan terpaksa strawberries walopun asem asem dikit banyak tapi lumayan lah kalo di story in di socmed dengan caption "ekspresinya priceless banget, ga jaim, no filter no edit no makeup no worry" dan mendadak aku viral dan punya banyak followers yeaaay!

3. Where would our first abroad trip would be? Why?

- Ke Afrika! aku pengen berkunjung ke savvanah ngeliat hewan hewan besar yang kayaknya enak dinaikin sekalian nyari anak singa atau cheetah buat diuwel uwel lalu dikembalikan ke emaknya lalu beberapa tahun kemudian kesana lagi lalu reunian sama anak singa atau cheetah itu lalu berbahagia.

plot twist : anak singa atau cheetah yang habis tak uwel uwel lalu tak kembalikan ke rumahnya langsung auto-orphan karena mammals nggak suka anaknya berbau makhluk lain selain emaknya dan mereka nggak bertahan karena seleksi alam dan saat aku kembali mungkin aku hanya akan menemukan kerangka yang setengah terkubur di tanah lalu sedih :(

*insert efek suara hujan badai disini*

4. Aku lelah nanya makanan favorit mu apa dan ga pernah kamu jawab, so how about, if you can only eat one kind of food only for the rest of our lives, milih makan apa? Kenapa?

- es krim! soalnya es krim punya banyak varian rasa yang nggak ngebosenin, bisa di mix and match sesuka hati dan menghasilkan rasa lain yang seru, punya banyak topping dan punya cup atau cone yang juga bisa dimakan dan enaaaaak. eh, ini masih dihitung sejenis kan? Iya, iya in aja biar cepet daripada aku gusar terus lapar :S

5. What song would you recommend me to listen right now?

- ParaParaParadise - Coldplay a.k.a SurSurSurga - Permainandingin. Kok jadi ga enak ya kalo diterjemahkan? Gapapa, yang penting MV-nya lucu ada gajah palsu naik sepeda roda satu. Oke, itu pokoknya.

Do you know how much a sword cost?

We all ever have a random train of thought, right? I don't know about you guys, but mine always start with the same question, "Do you know how much a sword cost?"

I am the kind of guy who needs to always have conversation, but hate to talk to someone I don't know well enough, so most of the time when I am unable to talk with Jey, I am talking to myself. Now that I think back about it, I stopped talking idly to myself when my depression started about two years ago.

What supposed to be a healthy discussion between me and myself starting to be a self doubt, self hating process. I started to yell at my self, to blame myself, and just be so angry at myself all the time. You ever had a girlfriend that was so mad when she was on PMS that none of her anger made sense, that she was just angry at you all the time at every single thing you do? Yeah imagine that, inside of your brain for two whole years instead of just few days a month. 

Then I met Jey. She help me, guide me thru the darkness I created myself. She taught me how to love myself more, how to accept every single part of my depression as my own self. I know that depression is a lifetime battle, I know that someday I will fall and fight with all of them all over again, but I know I'll be fine when at this morning, at 2 AM in my own toilet, taking a dump, my mind asked, " So, hey, do you know how much a sword cost?"

Hujan

Seringnya, kita menyandingkan hujan dengan segala macam kegalauan hati.

Pada sakitnya kehilangan, pedihnya perpisahan, pahitnya luka dan pilunya kecewa.

Cuaca yang basah, dingin dan kelabu agaknya tidak pernah gagal menyulap kesedihan jadi cerita yang layak dirayakan.

Menjadikannya candu yang layak digumuli sampai mati.

Mati pelan-pelan.

Mungkin tidak banyak yang tahu .. atau mungkin tidak mau tahu .. 

Bahwa dibalik jajaran kalimat sendu dan foto foto kelabu, hujan selalu turun membawa sukacita dan pengharapan akan sebuah awal yang baru.

Ada syukur tanpa suara dari hamparan sawah yang tergenang basah.

Dari hutan yang puas mereguk hujan.

Dari sungai yang sekarat kekeringan.

Dari bumi yang menyambut setiap tetesnya sebagai bagian dari siklus kehidupan yang tidak terputus.

Perlu bertahun buatku untuk menerima setiap peristiwa semata sebagai jajaran kisah yang mendewasakan.

Tanpa embel embel senang, sedih, cinta, luka, ...

Perlu waktu lama buatku untuk tahu ..

.. makna itu sumbernya dari dalam hati.

Surabaya coret, 23 Feb

Sehabis hujan sepanjang jalan.