That's my secret, Cap. I am always angry.

I think I am a man with an anger management issues. Not as bad as Hulk or Jessica Jones but, I think it’s hard for me not to get angry all the time. Well, what can I do? I live in a world full of idiots. Maybe that also a part of why I idolize Rahvana. He is, after all, the symbol of anger. He get angry at how the Gods mistreated his family, and furthermore at how they shamelessly go back at their own words.

I remember how in my last relationship I could get angry all the time. I am very rarely if ever rise my voice when I am talking with my girlfriend, but back then I did it almost once every a couple of weeks. The selfishness of my ex further pushed me to my limit. I remember I got so angry when she won’t listen to me to not going at an event, I already gave her logical reasons on why I don’t want her to go, yet she did, and the reason? “Ya kan kamu udah marah, terus ngambek terus ga ngehubungin seharian, jadi ya tak pikir udah gapapa.” Sampah ga?

I raised my voice at her, a lot. Should’ve known that it was a toxic relationship from the get go. All the sign was there, but I ignored it all. Hal paling sia sia di atas muka bumi ini adalah menasehati orang yang sedang jatuh cinta, bukan?

Fortunately I never even once in my life ever hit a girl. I am not a good guy, I am the baddest guy you could have the (un)fortune to meet, just ask my exes. But at the same time I still have a moral code, and not hiting a girl is on top of the list (unless she wanted it when we are having sex, haha).

But it’s hard, it was seriously hard, not to hit something when you are angry. That’s also my justification when someone ask me, “You’re a grown man, why do you still watch WWE?” Well, because mankind’s brain always have the need of violance in it, and I channeled it toward watching a violent soap opera (read:professional wrestling).

The inability to hit someone or something, paired with how shitty WWE nowadays, make me keep all that angers in me, I held it tight, worsen my depression back then. Then I found it, a way to channel all those angers, all those suppressed emotions I kept bottled inside. Writing. It breed a chain of story I like to called “inhumanly inhumane”. In there I could hit everything I want to hit. I could make someone as strong as I want, or as shitty as I want.

To quote Geoffrey Chaucer in Knight’s tale movie. “I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.”

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